Serious Seniority

Hysterical Story #1

When senior issues and bad behaviors start to get the best of me or any other good person, I like to tell funny stories.  The following is one of my favorites:

One time I got a call from the police station, which happened to be across the street from the senior facility.  They said that a resident of ours was reporting a rape (she happens to be a favorite of mine); needless to say I booked it over there.

When I arrived the story had already begun to change.  According to the resident, the upstairs neighbor (who was the accused rapist) had strange habits and nuclear devices.  He would move the devices around and when she was in bed, he would "beam" orgasms into her uterus.  Beam orgasms.  At this point I interrupted to clarify - she had indeed NOT been physically touched by him...?  She looked at me and said, "No, but the nuclear devices are used on me".

My first thoughts were, "why is this a problem?".  Where is he and why doesn't someone like that live above my apartment?  As a friend said, "How does one acquire these devices, hmm?".  I digress.

At this point I should say that the neighbor is actually a very sweet man who, needless to say, does NOT have NUCLEAR devices in his apartment - nor has he raped anyone.  But the resident was adamant - especially about the fact that she was too old to be having this many orgasms in one day.  I think my interest peaked at that point - just how many was she having!?  3 and 4 a day! 

In the end the resident did not have any physical problems that would have caused these hallucinations, so her psychiatrist upped her meds and supposedly, the nuclear powered multiple orgasms ceased.  I can't think of a worse fate, but c'est la vie. 

The only potentially bad outcome of this story is that the police station thinks I am a social work fraud because I had to leave the interview room for short bursts to regain composure - it was just too funny.  But I am human - beam me an orgasm and make me a believer.

Driving Miss Daisy

Transportation among seniors is potentially the biggest issue out there.  At some point most give up on driving...and lets face it, out of the ones who keep driving, 90% of them have probably bribed the DMV to renew their licenses.

So what is a senior to do without a car?  Some brave souls take the bus - and I love those souls.  I know people who haul their walkers on and off public transit, and I tip my nonexistant hat to them.  Seriously, that takes energy and guts to not only board the buses with younger people, but to make transfers and map out your routes all over town. 

However most seniors do not take the bus.  Some take community buses that do door-to-door services for a bit of a fee (I highly recommend looking into city or nonprofit programs to see if "dial-a-ride" type services exist in your area), and others with a bit more money take cabs when they absolutely must.  But today's rant is pretty much about people who do none of the above.

The majority of seniors ask people for rides - especially if they live in communal situations.  The incessant "would you take me..." question drives people (yes me included) insane, and with current gas prices no one can actually afford to pitch in for gas (let alone liability insurance).  Or I should say that people can offer gas money but when they offer a dollar or two the first thing that comes to mind is, "what, do you want a ride down the block, be dropped off and walk home?"  Additionally, many seniors do not move at the speed of light, so taking someone on a "quick errand" can take an afternoon.

So, what should you do about a parent, friend, or neighbor that feels stranded without a car?  Tell them you are legally blind and shouldn't drive anyone until you sort that out.  Haha, no I suppose that would be unethical.  The best thing to do, if you are actually willing to drive, is to make up a general schedule of when you will be going places and offer to take people with you at those times.  That way no gas wasted, they don't feel like they are begging, and the senior is still able to be mobile about town.  And if you just get asked too much, learn how to say no.  A simple "Lately I am feeling maxed out and am going to lay low for a while" is effective.  Or just say "no" and do not offer an explanation.  You should not need to explain yourself, but we usually feel like we have to.

And to the senior: if you ride with your peers you may be taking your life into your own hands.  A word to the wise: DMV = driving (ability) may vary.   

They Come Bearing Food

Some may wonder why this is a topic, let alone an early one.  But listen up - seniors, especially senior women, like to cook.  But more importantly they like to watch people eat their food.

My inner rant wants to discuss the annoyance of being brought food that I do not want to eat, but feeling obligated to taste/shovel in said food to placate and please these women (to date no senior male has ever brought homemade food).  But in reality I bring this up to remind people that seniors, just like everyone else, like to feel needed and helpful.

My suspicion is that these women cook special dishes to share with friends, family, neighbors, etc.  They love to see people enjoy their food (as a cook I can certainly relate to that) and since food is necessary to survive in this overweight world, they are helping to keep people alive.  But the problem is that they become little food pushers...like little elves...sneaking into your space and leaving treats.  The worst part has to be them waiting around to SEE you actually taste it...some people won't leave until they actually witness consumption. 

So, what does one do with food they do not want from sweet neighbors, grandmothers, mothers, aunts, etc?  I HAVE NO IDEA.  Sometimes I eat it or throw it away give it to people who want it.  And while all of the above may seem like common sense, sometimes I am so overwhelmed by gifted food that I rant to people who always end up saying, "just tell them no - and be firm".  And I JUST CAN'T.  The sweet little eyes starring at you, pushing the plates into your hands...actually the plate pushing is annoying, but the eyes are still sweet.

You get the point.  Let them be food pushers if thats what they want to be.  Its too late to change that habit.  Let the food elves continue on their distribution schedule.  Just never become a food pusher yourself - please. 

Why Seniors (old people, not high school students)?

Yes, why seniors?  Seniors comprise a good bit of the US population, but in my life they comprise the majority of people I speak to every day and take up about 1/3 of my time.  Yes, 1/3.  Clearly I work with seniors - I am a social worker.  And before you start thinking that I am a saint and that I must really LOVE the geriatric crowd, let me set a few things straight:

1. I do love seniors, but like any job, at times you despise your collegues/tasks/the workplace and there is no helping that (right?).  So it stands to reason that sometimes, oh yes sometimes, i don't love the seniors.  There, I said it.  They can be tough...or rather, sometimes they are fiesty jerks just like the rest of us.  But often they go right over the line.  And I try to laugh at those moments, hence this blog.

2. I am not a saint.  I am probably the only social worker going to hell actually.  But for better or for worse, I try to listen, help, reality check, love and laugh with the geriatric generation (oh my god that sounds lame - hopefully I won't sound that sappy all of the time).  To be specific, I work with low-income seniors, most of whom have physical/mental disabilities, but I've also worked with dementia clients (I prefer to call that memory loss), adult day care, and senior centers.  Anyway, who knows if anyone is ever really good at social service jobs, but I like to think I get there more than 50% of the time.  Only time will tell.

3. I have a hard time being "PC".  Sorry in advance if I ever offend, it will surely happen.

In the end the "why seniors" answer has to be, "because they are great!", but also because there needs to be an outlet for senior angst, frustration and general misunderstoodness.  So this blog is probably for people who hang with, work with or care for the elderly...although seniors are welcome to dive on in too.  I will discuss senior issues, offer humor about almost every problem, hopefully provide helpful suggestions/tips/advice, and maybe even answer some questions about why seniors are the way that they are.  But probably not.